The Trainwreck Appeal of Karaoke
Why do I go to karaoke nights? I ask myself this everytime I find myself at a bar on karaoke night. I don't sing karaoke. There's an appeal kind of like a trainwreck. I can't look at it but I can't look away.
I mean I can give you obvious answers. Kind of like "the beer's always colder on karaoke night." Well, that's not the real reason, just a macho excuse. Or how about "the place is full of women." Yep, that's closer to the truth. Women love karaoke and Alligator Jackson loves women, so that excuse is almost acceptable.
Almost. Not quite acceptable because some of the horrible sounds that come out of these beautiful women are enough to uhhhhh ....make ya drink more. I mean it has a way of clearing up the ol' beer goggles. Ya know kind of giving them a good cleaning so they don't work as well. Which does bring up a good point. I always get drunker at karaoke nights because well.....quite frankly, I feel the need to drink more. Yes sir, Mr Bartender , keep them beers acomin', espically when that gal over there is singin'. Doesn't make it sound any better, but just convinces me more that I'm there to drink and not listen.
Also, I gotta admit. It gives me a reason to gripe. I sit at the bar and make pained expressions on my face. I mean, if a deaf person is in there watching me, he probably thinks someone is twisting a knife in my back because he can't hear what's creating the look of sheer horror on my face. He just knows that I am experiencing a huge amount of discomfort and doesn't really know why.
I've made a few observations about Karaoke night. I haven't quite figured out why I'm there, but I can go to any karoke night, any where, and I can tell ya now who will be there!!
THE REGULAR: This guy or gal has been there every week since they brought the term 'karaoke' over from Japan. Ever since Pokemon was just a lil' anime, they were at this bar. Yes, and they sing the same song every week. It's like it's their greatest hit. You can almost hear them say: "Well, I'm tired of this song, but the people here want to hear me sing this. I don't want to upset my fans." You know, it's almost like they think they wrote it, or they had the hit with them and not Bob Seger. When I hear Turn The Page on the radio, I don't think of Bob Seger at think of Joe Smoe at the Country F--k Inn. Yeah right!
THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR- He's in more places then Santa Claus is in malls at Christmas. You can't walk into a karaoke bar without seeing him. Ya don't have to hear him sing to know he's there, ya can spot him by the bad haircut and exaggerated sideburns.
Then he sings in the style that makes ya think you passed out in the bar Saturday night and was somehow transported to a church on Sunday morning. I've seen some Elvis type karoke-ers who I think are trying to make me feel guilty fer drinkin' because he was singin' gospel style. Here am I sittin' gawking at scantily clad women, chokin' on other people's smoke, and drownin' my liver and problems with cold suds and here comes a religious style tune. Saturday night is not the time for repentful music, especially if I paid a cover charge. "Thanks buddy but no thanks. I'll repent tomorrow. I paid to get in here tonight. I want to get drunk or get laid."
THE GARTH BROOKS SINGER Yep, he's out there, too, and it's like his version of "The Dance" is gonna save the world. He not only sings a dramitic song, but he sings it dramactically. He puts every ounce of his being into it — not just his voice, but his motions. The song shakes his whole body. It still sucks, but his whole body shakes while he does it. I almost wonder who hurts more from this song — him and the pain he goes through singing it, or me listening to it.
THE REDNECK Usually this guy sings Hank Jr. and it's almost always "Family Tradition." And, in case you didn't know he was a redneck by the fact he's singing Hank Jr, he dresses the part as well. The female version of this would be singing "Redneck Women" or another Gretchen Wilson song.
THE I"M SO HORRIBLE I"M FUNNY GUY - This guy is horrible on purpose, which breaks the first rule of karaoke humor. You're never funny singing karaoke when you try to be. If you're trying to be a clown, well, your just being a scary clown, instead of a funny clown. With possible exception to the guy on acid. He's the rarest of all karaoke birds, but he still makes an occasional appearance. It's undetermined if he is trying to be funny but he can be quite hilarious. He is on acid and right in the middle of the trip. He is spastic and overexaggerated, and his singing is overpronounced and can border on shrill and screaming. I saw a guy last night doing Welcome to The Jungle, but he was more Will Farell than Axel Rose. He was quite funny to some people, but he never strayed to far from the point of being annoying. They said the first time he did it, he went outside and threw up afterward. I'm quite sure the next time I see him perform it, I'll go outside and throw up. The first time it was marginally funny, the second time is desparation for attention.
THE SINGER THAT'S SO BAD THAT I CLAP BECAUSE I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM - The problem with anything you do drunk besides bowling and including sex, is that you never realize how bad you suck. I mean, like it or not, karaoke is a 'beer sport.' Most people won't do it unless they are drinking. The problem is they hear the music and get caught up in the attention and lights. They don't realize they suck. Kind of like drunk sex. You're going all out, but nuthin's happenin' and when your done, yer quite pleased with yourself. But, everyone else is a lil' depressed. I clap for this person because I feel bad for them. I mean if they think they can sing they have worse problems and, chances are, they will wake up and say "did I really do that last night?" I clap, it's the least I can do. I thank God it's over, but I clap and hope I never have to suffer through that again. It's my way of giving back to music.
Me, I'm in every bar too, I suppose. I'm the guy who can't find anywhere else better to be, so I'm somewhere pretending to not want to be there and looking like I'm having a bad time. I'm as part of the karaoke scene as the other guys. What would karaoke night be without anyone of us.
So, whatever smoky bar yer in the next time in whatever part of the world yer in, come up and say hello to Elvis guy, Regular guy, Redneck guy, and yes, me: the pained critic guy, one of the old guys from the old muppet show. The guys that no one could please, but they were still there complaining week after week.
